She

I have waited for that moment all those years. I’ve dreamed of it a hundred times before. There wasn’t fireworks but there were sparks. She stayed beside me and our arms brushed occasionally… and I still have the same feelings as before every time she was near. I have that feeling of wanting to hold and kiss her, to trace my finger on the features of her face… to brush my fingers on her hair.

When I held her hand and planted a kiss on her cheeks, I knew she remembered   how we used to be. Two kids and a husband cannot take away the memories.

I have the option now to continue this folly. I can visit there anytime I want or I can stop this and respect the sanctity of their marriage. When she’s with me, it’s so easy to kiss and hold her and I know if she’s around, I may not be able to control myself.

 

Third Letter to My Twin

Dearest Twin,

A few months have passed. I got over Rona and Melody coming back into my life again. They are completely just people of my past now (and I hope it will remain that way even if I see them again). A lot of things have happened. I left him. I left him for myself not for anybody, ok?! No, I’m not kidding.  It was hard at first and I know you witnessed how I tried evading him everytime he’d been waiting in front of our building.  You know how I was torn between pity and resolve. The last time we talked was the end of it. I finally made him realize that he will have nothing of me anymore. Why am I writing to you now, you ask?!

It’s all about prince. I have told him I love him a few months back. I have loved him since February, I guess. I didn’t know where it began. Did I like him the very first time I saw him or the first time he smiled with those cute dimples?! Maybe, I did. Maybe, I just ignore the feelings because I learned that he is a supervisor or I was in a trance then… and always busy on the phone with Melody. The feelings grew. Everytime we’re together,  I treasured the moments. .. the lunches, the team buildings…the trip to Baguio. There are moments when I want to lay my head up on his shoulder and sleep… he gave me those kind of feelings…  I weighed…  believe me I tried.  I did not fight the feelings, though. Even when I was still fully committed to the old man, I loved him… I thought of him.. I had wished his arms were the arms that held me and his lips were the lips that kissed me. In my mind and intention, I was a cheater. Then, I told him my feelings. Don’t condemn me for it and don’t give homilies about how a girl should act because I believe in freedom of speech. This life is short and I can’t wait. I speak my mind, you know that.  Last week, he said he loves me too. It didn’t change anything, though. We still act like friends. I don’t understand what I want, my dear twin. I thought that those words will satisfy me. No, they don’t. I can’t feel that love at all. Although, he’ll say, he is concerned…. that doesn’t constitute love. A person can be concerned to a friend. I just can’t understand his perception about love. Sometimes, I am thinking, there is not a bit of romance flowing in his blood. Sometimes, I hate him for it. I hate him for making me feel like I’m giving too much. I feel desperate. I feel the pain. I’m used to pain, though. I may be emotional but I never had and never will have an emotional breakdown.

I just don’t know what to do. Will I just forget this feeling as early as now or let things be. Last night, he said he can’t promise he’ll always be around everytime. I think he meant he is thinking of leaving the company soon. I am sure that when he does, this “relationship” is over.  I am not someone who can sustain love when I’m not seeing the person often. I will forget him and move on to another… because I am a butterfly. I’ll fly anywhere when there is nothing that binds me. I fear that. I fear I’ll meet men who are not as good-hearted as he is. 

I just want him to be mine. I want him to act a real lover. That’s it. What does he fear? What’s holding him back? Is his love for me unreal… an imitation… a love from the mind alone…something that he doesn’t feel deep inside? Most probably.  This love is totally one-sided in all angles. Can I stand this? If I can, how long? Do you think I should quit now?

Lea

Her name, her face popped up in my facebook’s suggestion of who I should be friends with yesterday. I looked closer. Yes, it was her. She was the very first who broke my heart. She was the first who thought me how painful love can be. She was the first from whom I’ve learned how it felt to be cheated on. Because of her, I dealt with love with boldness. Because of her, I learned how to be a master of my emotion. I was thirteen then. I was so young and so vulnerable. Ours was a relationship that had pride as core ingredient. It was very shaky. It did not last. I didn’t expect it to last anyway. We were in an environment where such relationship is not allowed.

I am thankful for the lesson. I will always remember her with bitter-sweet memories. I didn’t know if I loved her that much. All I remember were those moments I stare unconsciously and blankly at nothing while thinking of the pain she was bringing me at that time. I remembered my attention being called by my helping sister in front of the dining table because I didn’t realize I wasn’t eating but thinking of her and the letter from her that I just read. I remember the time I was sick in the clinic and told me a story about that girl–Nelsie–that she met at the corridor of Building 1. Right then, I knew. Anyway, all those was over. I found a better love when I was in fourth year. I was able to handle it better. It didn’t last, too, because of circumstances we both don’t have control of but I will always remember her with fondness and love.

Facebook has been bringing all my past together. I sent her a request.

Suddenly It’s Magic

As days pass by, I learn to appreciate the little things he is doing for me. I learn to appreciate how he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile, how he defends me at times and how he tries to comfort me when I feel low when otherwise he could have stayed away from a liar who led him on. I have come to meet him in his terms. He showed love in a different way other than what I have wanted and expected but it is still a wonderful love nevertheless. I thought the magic was lost. It was still there being held, being restrained… so when the right time comes to unleash it, it will be so strong to bind us nothing can ever break us apart.

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Word Play

I just love word play. I love to do it with someone who has no idea that I am playing with his mind… that my words are sometimes insinuations in disguise and are intended to make him think of something else while I am wearing that innocent stare and poker face.  Examples will be on my private blog (that has a password) because he might read this and I will be so… dead!

Omissions

I can’t believe that my fetish (errr…. fetish might be a very strong word well… whatever) strikes again. “Give me a man or a woman with sense of humor and wit and there’s a 99.9% chance that I will fall in love.” Yes, I think I am starting to fall in love again with someone that I never thought I would fall for. There was nothing when I first met him–no sparks, nothing.
The more I get to know him, the more I am beginning to love things about him. I don’t know when it began or how it happened. He has a beautiful soul–that I know. This can’t be happening…. not when I am committed… not when he is someone superior to me.
Awhile ago, I lied. I lied and took it back in less than five minutes. I am torn between sharing a piece of myself and hiding the truth about me…. so I committed a slight sin of commission–of vague answers.

…Be Bygones

There are things in life that I realized recently. In the past few years, I have thought that my life would be complete if I happen to have any form of communication with Rona or Melody–that being in contact with them again will make me the happiest person alive. Well, I realized that I am always the happiest person alive no matter what . When Mel told me that she didn’t know I had a previous relationship with a girl, I was awaken from a month-old state of trance that was brought about by knowing I am talking to her again. I realized that we didn’t know each other that well. I know nothing of her past either. The memories of her in my mind were so different from what I am seeing in her personalities now. It is as if I just have the idea of what I like her to be and what I want us to be– all those years.
It is not Rona or Melody per se that I need to have my life complete. It is my past coming to terms with my present. It is knowing that my past is not lost anymore. That Rona is not anymore a longing–a love lost by chance and fate–but someone who I can easily see if I want to. These things make me  accept myself more, these make me know myself more.

 

I Remember, All Right!

I thought I can pretend that everything is normal–that everything is the same as it was when she hasn’t come back yet but I can’t. I may have the self-control not to text and call her and I may have the patience not to travel to Laguna to surprise her but my life is not the same again. I feel empty. When I am alone at home, I think. I cry. I hate. I love. When I am on my way to work, I reminisce. I blame her for just reappearing and turning my little world upside down. I blame facebook for being the medium. I blame myself for not moving on after eight years.
Hopefully, this won’t be long. Maybe, a week or two to get over and then I’ll be fine.
She sent me a message last saturday telling me that she didn’t mean to hurt me. I wasn’t actually hurt. I was pissed off and enraged by the things her friend told me. The things that were said were demeaning and that friend of hers didn’t have the right to talk to me that way. Oh, I am gonna look for her when I visit her company and show her who I am. That friend of hers didn’t have the right to talk to me like I am a little kid who has done something wrong and ought to be reprimanded. Afterall, I am bossy baby. Nobody, not even Melody, can control me now.

why?

She was asking me why I came back? How dare her ask me that question when she was the one who popped into my life again and messed my peaceful world up the third time. I mean, I have forgotten her completely.  She saw me on facebook,  sent me messages and asked me to text her.  I did because I missed her somehow.

She told me about the nasty things my boyfriend told her 3 years ago. I didn’t know all of those. They were things of the past anyway so I just did not ask him about them. It will just be a cause of  never-ending word war so I better shut up and keep anger to myself.

She is acting again the same way she had acted the past years. It ticks me off that she can break into my defenses that I have built so carefully. I already have a simple life. I don’t feel. I can manage anger. I don’t cry anymore when I am pissed off because I try to think about positive things. I make sure that no one can make me feel vulnerable so I stayed with my boyfriend with whom I feel securely loved and taken care of. Then, she came back out of nowhere and started hurting me again.

I hate this kind of pain so I am letting go for the third time even if it means I cut off the communication and just live my life the way I am living it the past few years.