A few months have passed. I got over Rona and Melody coming back into my life again. They are completely just people of my past now (and I hope it will remain that way even if I see them again). A lot of things have happened. I left him. I left him for myself not for anybody, ok?! No, I’m not kidding. It was hard at first and I know you witnessed how I tried evading him everytime he’d been waiting in front of our building. You know how I was torn between pity and resolve. The last time we talked was the end of it. I finally made him realize that he will have nothing of me anymore. Why am I writing to you now, you ask?!
It’s all about prince. I have told him I love him a few months back. I have loved him since February, I guess. I didn’t know where it began. Did I like him the very first time I saw him or the first time he smiled with those cute dimples?! Maybe, I did. Maybe, I just ignore the feelings because I learned that he is a supervisor or I was in a trance then… and always busy on the phone with Melody. The feelings grew. Everytime we’re together, I treasured the moments. .. the lunches, the team buildings…the trip to Baguio. There are moments when I want to lay my head up on his shoulder and sleep… he gave me those kind of feelings… I weighed… believe me I tried. I did not fight the feelings, though. Even when I was still fully committed to the old man, I loved him… I thought of him.. I had wished his arms were the arms that held me and his lips were the lips that kissed me. In my mind and intention, I was a cheater. Then, I told him my feelings. Don’t condemn me for it and don’t give homilies about how a girl should act because I believe in freedom of speech. This life is short and I can’t wait. I speak my mind, you know that. Last week, he said he loves me too. It didn’t change anything, though. We still act like friends. I don’t understand what I want, my dear twin. I thought that those words will satisfy me. No, they don’t. I can’t feel that love at all. Although, he’ll say, he is concerned…. that doesn’t constitute love. A person can be concerned to a friend. I just can’t understand his perception about love. Sometimes, I am thinking, there is not a bit of romance flowing in his blood. Sometimes, I hate him for it. I hate him for making me feel like I’m giving too much. I feel desperate. I feel the pain. I’m used to pain, though. I may be emotional but I never had and never will have an emotional breakdown.
I just don’t know what to do. Will I just forget this feeling as early as now or let things be. Last night, he said he can’t promise he’ll always be around everytime. I think he meant he is thinking of leaving the company soon. I am sure that when he does, this “relationship” is over. I am not someone who can sustain love when I’m not seeing the person often. I will forget him and move on to another… because I am a butterfly. I’ll fly anywhere when there is nothing that binds me. I fear that. I fear I’ll meet men who are not as good-hearted as he is.
I just want him to be mine. I want him to act a real lover. That’s it. What does he fear? What’s holding him back? Is his love for me unreal… an imitation… a love from the mind alone…something that he doesn’t feel deep inside? Most probably. This love is totally one-sided in all angles. Can I stand this? If I can, how long? Do you think I should quit now?